WishWeWerentFriends Co-Founder, Stockmaster, Gossip Spreader, and Chief Enthusiast Saul has been off the grid since Monday, February 19th. He was last heard from in a raspy, disoriented voicemail saying “something horrible happened.” Said voicemail was stupidly erased by its slightly pudgy, hairy, recipient.
Saul’s disappearance is most certainly linked to a string of embarrassing episodes that occurred early Monday morning in various rooms at Becca’s house during “Becca Party: Everyone Gets Shitfaced Volume 11″. The major highlights of these episodes are described in detail below.
PAWS: There are many telltale signs of a fast-approaching Saul Black Out, including favorites such as glassed over eyes, rhythm-less swaying, close proximity of fat girls with skyrocketing confidence, and increased use of self-deprecating ethnic slurs. At Becca’s, Saul combined all of these with his go-to move: the gradual emergence of raptor-like claws in the latter stages of consciousness. Arms close to the body, elbows bent, hands flailing to and fro, Saul suddenly appeared like a red-faced gay man with severe carpel tunnel syndrome.
HELMET: Once the Paws are out, all bets are off, and this past weekend was no exception. Post- hot tub, where Saul enjoyed the company of an impressively sculpted Coach Dave and the “never-say-never/we-woke-up-butt-naked-in-a-sixty-nine once” couple of Noah and Becca, Saul refused to re-clothe his hulking upper body for the comfort of the group. The situation quickly deteriorated when Ru, Becca’s oblivious, cosmopolitan house guest, happened upon Saul in the kitchen, nude from the waste down, pants in hand, dignity in hot tub.
“It was like penis all over the kitchen,” Ru would later say.
TEABAG: Saul would not have the last laugh on this fateful night, however. After giving Becca the San Francisco Treat for what probably amounted to a few lustful minutes, Noah went looking for fun, strutting around the house in post-coital parade. He happened upon our Saul horizontal, confused, and unconscious. With Max as his homoerotic audience, Noah carefully dropped his supple scrotum from his still nude, freshly sexed body, piece in hand, into Saul’s innocent eye-sockets.
The bandit struck again! That marks his third victim!
Noah didn’t stop there, and returned for one more drop, just for good measure, before calling it quits.
Since then, Saul has gone AWOL. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no homing pigeons, no telegrams. No visitors, no deliveries!
If you or anyone you know can give us more information about the whereabouts of Saul, please contact us as soon as possible.
Last Saturday saw a thrilling, white-knuckled, down-to-the-wire contest between Alex and Tom as they sought to establish dominance in the only field that matters – fatness. Performing in front of a packed room, Alex and Tom’s thickly-matted hair and quivering folds of flesh had a near-hypnotic affect on the riveted spectators, who watched in rapt attention as the two pirouetted and spun before them. Only Pappas and Tyler ignored the action as they sat side-by-side in the living room, snoring peacefully together. 
