Wall Street Saul’s Friend Stock Report: February 7th, 2007
Posted in Stock Reports by Saul on February 7th, 2007, 2:21 pm
Updated February 13th, 2007
CSAW – Buy: $14.50 a share We all expected Rory to go directly from college to the upstairs level of his barn for the first couple of decades of the twenty-first century, so the fact that he is not only in another residence but another state counts for a lot right there. But what really sets him apart from the pack is that his job actually requires “intelligence” or at the very least “hard work. Incidentally, a memo just landed on my desk saying that goes hand-in-hand with “sobriety during the weekday.” I know, I didn’t believe it either. Regardless, Rory is on the fast – or at least slow – track towards the upper spheres of the thrilling, jetsetting lifestyle of the computer programmer. Just like his salary, this stock shouldn’t do anything but slowly, slowly, slowly rise. Look for that Subaru to turn into a Mercedes by the year 2040.
PAPS – Buy: $9.41 a share Although Pappas lost a few cents on the dollar when he and Tyler bought – that is, rented – a house together and (didn’t) surprise everyone by consummating the marriage, we’re a forgiving lot and his stock rebounded fairly quickly. More impressively, Pappas actually had the foresight to apply for a new job before his old one fired him. And best of all, he actually got hired! Quitting before getting fired and getting a new job, all in the space of a week – that has to set some kind of precedent. I mean, in our little circle you’re doing well if the place that fires you doesn’t make you run a gauntlet out the back door while kicking you in the balls and screaming that “we’ll see you in court!” All this guy has to do is return to 1020, work that old magic in everyone’s favorite bar, end up in a stairwell at 4:00 AM practicing gender reversal with a girl named Chuck who called him Rachel, and I could see this becoming a strong(er) buy sometime in the next 5 to 10 years. Wait – that all happened. 
TOMC – Sell: $6.87 a share With soccer season over and Tom’s coaching days behind him for the moment, once again his career path has been narrowed down to two words: Canoe Club. The good news? It’s a step up from Subway. The bad news? Well, I didn’t get into financial world just to beat a dead horse. True, there’s talk of “meeting SK in Thailand,” but although potentially interesting, a merger like that could easily prove to be the most disastrous since AOL/TimeWarner back in 2000. My advice to him? Save money on airfare and take a Dartmouth Coach to Boston to move into the attic with Max. He’s a friendly guy, and you can share the bed that he doesn’t use until about 10:00 each morning thanks to Max’s nocturnal adventures with Mike and a little drink called Spairks. We’re going to continue seeing a long-term decline until Tom wakes up and realizes he has to open his own restaurant. Or at least buy a franchise. 
GRBR – Buy: $7.08 a share Things were looking doubtful for a bit when Gerber seemed to be heading towards an ill-advised career as a professional dancer, but thankfully this interest faded to the purely recreational and he is back on track to the one thing besides Lindsey Carlin that he has been having a lifelong love affair with – cooking. There have been rumors on the trading floor that Gerber has realized that the kitchen is the place for him and is taking steps towards culinary school even as I write this. I say this is a fine time to buy in based on the lemon-pepper shrimp he could cook with his eyes closed before he was old enough to buy cigarettes (in other words, about fifteen years after he started smoking them). Once he has a bit of schooling, he can turn pro and set up shop anywhere he wants. In other words, his kitchen in Boston. So why the relatively low value, you ask? Hmm. Defecating in plastic bags instead of toilets is a practical and sensible solution when backed into a corner, but I can’t in good faith link that habit to any sort of monetary inflation. 
KITZ – Sell: $5.50 a share I hate to say it, but you could do worse than unloading a bit of Willy-stock. This is the classic American rise-and-fall tragedy right here – a stock that was riding high for years and looked like it couldn’t go anywhere except up. That tantalizing sense of mystery caused by him always having at least four separate agendas each night that no one else knew about, the cunning humor, artistic talent, and the fact that he had hooked up with a decisive majority of the female population of HHS – this stock was Netscape back in the nineties! True, prices have shot up since the bad old days of the apartment on Lyme Road, but there’s a ways more to go before this can turn a profit. Recently he’s been hit with more bad press than Nixon, his name has been linked to various semi-saucy high-profile scandals, and although he still has a decently strong core following, consumers are awfully wary these days. And it must be pointed out that his trademark red hair is backpedaling away from the forehead faster than Lance Armstrong. Updated February 7th, 2007
MIKE – Buy: $.0004 a share
Never thought I’d say it, but for the first time since May 2001 Mike O’Donnell shares might be a decent investment. After graduating from college and getting a job – two things that many were convinced would never happen unless “college” meant “jail” and “job” meant “AA” – is Mike finally steadying out? Well, let’s not go too far! At the same time, they didn’t used to call him the Comeback Kid for nothing. But in the meantime, the price is certainly right – you can corner the market on Mike with the change you’d find in a Quizno’s tip cup at 8:00 AM. Watch the market closely, particularly Monday mornings after a big weekend – this stock can drop at any time and you don’t want to be caught with your pants down when it does.
TIMC – Buy: $24.50 a share
Colla stock has rebounded strongly after a big dip last week when certain roommates revealed a bit too much and it is now a strong buy. Tim just received a promotion to manager and head sculptor at the studio, and it never hurts to have a fabulously rich brother and uncle in your corner. Look for a steady increase over the next few weeks.
ALDO – Sell: $14.50 a share
After alienating the entire female population of New York (and DC) (and Madison) (and the Upper Valley), Alex has now managed to make himself unwelcome at 125 Ainslee Street – home to Mr. And Mrs. Tim Colla (the Mrs. stands for Gabe). After admitting that “I don’t even think I’m allowed over at their house” Alex did go on to point out that his tickets for tomorrow’s Fashion Show would secure him at least one good night of fake friendship. Look to dump shares Friday morning once the pretences end along with the show.
MAXS – Hold: $8.12 a share
After hooking up with a girl this weekend, Max has hooked up with more girls than he did in the entire period between February and November of 2006. Well done! Sure, reports are filtering in that she weighed slightly less than Mount Cardigan, but that just makes her a welterweight by Max Standards. Max continues to live in the attic, but he did purchase a bed – well done again! Watch this stock closely in the next two weeks – if he manages to secure employment I could see this being a light buy.
MARK – Buy: $12.47 a share
Great time to buy Mairk shares. After getting promoted to head chairlift operator this guy is sailing. But wait – there’s more! In financial circles it is impossible to overlook the value of a preemptive moustache this time of year. With March 1st almost upon us, Moustache Mairk has been working on his beauty for the last six months. Come the 1st look for these shares to skyrocket, and I say why not get in ahead of the crowd.
GABE – Sell: $15.00 a share
He did order a pull-up bar, but this might be a time to unload a few Gabe shares. Although he’s been holding steady at a good price, events of this weekend might as well have taken a jackhammer to his mojo. And by jackhammer I mean RPG. And by RPG I mean Laura. Lots of sympathy, but those ex’s will drag you down if you give them half a chance – and Gabe tossed her a strap-on, yanked down his pants, and bent over a bar-stool for a Friday Night Roger Special.
NOAH – Buy: $9.40 a share
Although no one really knows what goes on in those ambulances, I’m gonna go ahead and say that this could be a decent-value buy. Sure, the naysayers will mutter about “pants-soiling” and “angry tempers” but I’m loving the bitter enthusiasm of that first post. And let’s not forget financial security – not many people have held down a job this long. Look for a slight rise this week.
MTCH – Buy: $19.99 a share
Mitch came home for a single week and kicked ass in at least three different states. Grab these shares while you can, people! Look for a gradual increase with a sudden jump after the 1st – Mitch’s thick black beard is primed and ready to give birth to an unusually vigorous moustache. If you have doubts, just look at last year’s pictures!
GCRS – Buy: $17.50 a share
What a time to get in on this front-runner. I gotta say, ever since going out with the Rick’s girl this fall this stock has been climbing, but after this weekend a split could be coming up he’s doing so well. Vegas is always a place to reinvent yourself, and this guy did it in fine style. Win hundreds at blackjack? Why not. Blow your load in your pants while getting a lapdance? Not a problem. Don’t get carried away though – with no moustache forming and March just a few short weeks away, there could be a sudden devaluation after the 1st.
STTN – Buy: $13.24 a share
The Marauders are kicking ass, and Sutton is spearheading the effort. In fact reports say he wakes up approximately 14 hours earlier than he used to. On top of that, he did a fine job of getting ass this weekend after having enough drinks to kill a Dutch peasant. Hooking up with a girl? Good. Giving her the shocker? Just par for the course. Managing to get it up about 18 hours after initially trying? Not too shabby, sir. This man claims to have "shocked" exactly 17 of the last 19 girls who have been drunk enough to think that they’d just ‘have a good time.’ As far as I’m concerned, that’s a success ratio of about 4000%. Buy this stock and start looking at condos in South Beach - when this goes public you can quit the day job that you never had.
SQCH – Buy: $45.00
If you can afford to, this is the Berkshire Hathaway of our little Dow Jones. From a questionable academic position in high school, this stock has grown steadily for years right under the radar. Written for beer bottles, learning to tame avalanches, fornicating with 19-year-old girls… what’s not to like? Best of all, headquarters is in Alaska – so far away from our hideous group that he can’t possibly see us more than once a year. I don’t see this stock going anywhere but up. If you have the money, this is a no-brainer, and this should be an essential part of any portfolio.
SKSK - Sell: $4.08
SK’s stock starting going south - along with his mental capacities - ever since smoking that salvia in Amsterdam, and it has never really climbed back since. Striking out for the Far East on his own? I give credit where credit is due, absolutely. Getting ripped off in a "private poker game" three weeks into his trip? Not so cool. Living with Will Grey? That little move dropped him so far down it caused a .11% devaluation in the entire market. Moving to Thailand just to live with someone from Hanover - that’s really living on the edge. Look for wild downward spikes as his trip goes on. If you want to take a chance and stay on board - well, it saves everybody time if you just set your portfolio on fire and run it through a paper shredder a few times just to make sure.
BAKR - Buy: $12.24
This winter Baker has finally gotten into experimenting with facial hair, and it couldn’t be going better. There’re the fine makings of a moustache tucked deep inside that scruffy beard. As he works towards the orthodontist lifestyle of fast cars and faster women, he continues to mix it up on the slopes in fine style by coaching young impressionable boys in skin-tight spandex, spurring them on with semi-playful ass-slaps and the occasional "go get ‘em champ!" And drinking more green tea than Gilbey’s never hurt. Come March 1st, I could see this stock getting almost as high as Tom.
Concluding Notes: All in all, a strong week for the market. No significant drops and lots of good bets out there. I don’t anticipate real fluctuation until the Moustache March scores come in, but unexpected individual variances can certainly occur with this crowd, especially with another weekend just around the corner.
February 8th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Remember, it’s smart to buy low and sell high!
I’m one to really skyrocket in the spring season!
That’s not true at all….fuck.
February 9th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
i am so that fucking girlfriend that looks at her boyfriends web page.
February 9th, 2007 at 8:44 pm
notice to all investors: there is a strong possibility thst GCRS will miss its earnings targets for march due to a girlish inability to grow facial hair.
however, pending litigation (the lawsuit claims that mustache march is racist and prejudiced against friend/stock’s of asian/native-american descent) the outcome of which may prove a bonanza for 2Q earnings.
stay tuned….
February 9th, 2007 at 9:59 pm
i love you baby
February 10th, 2007 at 2:11 pm
sweet first post tim
February 11th, 2007 at 7:24 pm
I’d like to take a moment to respond to certain allegations concerning GCRS stock. I have heard someone voice the opinion that “I don’t have to wish I wasn’t friends with him because I’m not friends with him” and go on to question his place in the market. A point well-raised and legitimate, but allow me a semi-brief rebuttal:
If, indeed, we are exposing ourselves to the “global community” that this critic himself mentioned, then at some point should we not avoid a virtual, online repetition of what we do at every party we’re invited to — namely, standing huddled in a little circle not talking to anyone while complaining how much cooler we are than everyone else?
(And wishing a girl would just man up and hit on us.)
In the time of this national immigration debate, is it not perhaps time we slacken our own strict rules, relax our borders, allow our own high gates to open just a hair?
And, I offer, aren’t actions the best resume?
Should not performance count as much as personality?
The proof, after all, is in the pudding.
This site is becoming increasingly high-profile. Even now we are viewed by 4 people a day instead of 3. Who knows — perhaps 5 is right around the corner.
Don’t we want the strongest Team we can get on-board?
Don’t get me wrong — I do not propose we throw open our arms to whomever wishes to leap into them.
But on occasion, I propose, let the mettle prove the man or, as it were, the stripper prove the stock.
February 11th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
I’m sorry but who is this asian/native american fellow who goes by GCRS in the Lelchuck Friend Stock Exchange. I am fifty-fifty on Saul Balls points. I don’t even know if I wish I weren’t friends with this individual. I certainly have not known him since first grade, and I feel disadvanteged that I know nothing about him, therefore I can’t make fun of him. I don’t even know if he exists or is a figment of Sauls imagination. Real or Fake, I feel like I am stepping over the line just talking about this GCRS. No I don’t, way to not be able to grow a moustache GCRS, it will prove to be a very depressing March for you.
Tom Selleck says: “Wear your short pants, and show ‘em some thigh.”
February 12th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
I gotta say I am with Mairk on this one. If we are going to allow outsiders onto this page here, we all have to at least know them. I’ve got nothing on this kid except that he once nutted during a lapdance. Thats nothing. If inappropriate ejaculations can raise your stock then I should be blue chip. Everyone knows about the time I got so horny driving home that I had to pull over and run into the woods to beat off. On our way to a field trip I once blew a load all over my pants from a girl who was giving me a foot job…thats right, her foot. And that was on a bus full of kids in 8th grade. Big deal. We all have thousands of these stories (or maybe just me). The point I am trying to make is that before we bring in newbies we should include the other people in the original group that you guys seem to have forgotten about. Namely, Tom, Draper, Papoose, Sam, Dick, Smalls, Mahler, Rory etc. Then we should move on to the frindge elements such as Gerber, Willy Kitz, Schleicer etc, and finally the few girls we still hang out with like Courtney, Lex, Becca, Caroline and well, maybe thats it for them. If we allow every dude in who someone has a man crush on then we’re just going to end up with a web page devoted entirely to Eric Wynalda and I dont want homo-gabe to win.
P.S. These so called “stocks” are bull shit. How are nearly all of you higher than me. Tim may be an ice sculpter, but thats only because dildos made of ice slide better up his ass and when they melt its cheaper than paying someone to make him another one. Alex…I dont even know what to say about that one. GAYbe stopped being cool the minute his Asia sized birthmark dissapeared. I am told by Max that he didnt learn to ride a bike until 4th grade. 4th grade! Baker hasnt left the state in years and puts braces on dead mice. And where are you in this market Saul? And where is Grabill in this? Suck my farts.
February 12th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
I love Noah for his passion and his complaint
VIVE LE FRANCE
February 12th, 2007 at 9:41 pm
I agree with the complaints as well. Draper and Smalls are excellent story tellers that could be a good contribution to our posts. But just for the record Noah, what was the name of the school you attended when you got the footjob on the bus?
February 12th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Noah — you are right that people should be on the ticker who are not. With a little time this will be fixed. If I knew anything at all that, for example, Draper and Smalls had done in the last 4 months that would help me set a price.
As for your stock, give it time — don’t forget that you were marked as a ‘buy’ — and by reminding us of those ejaculation stories it will only go up. I couldn’t give a truly high initial price to anyone who lives with Mike, I’d expect anyone to understand that.
As for my stock it would be insider trading under the current system, again we are working on it.
Thank you all for your patience.
February 12th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
I may be new to the trading floor but i will buy a thousand shares of anyone who comes snowboarding with me this weekend.
I have to say that Noah is heading for a Bull market for four reasons:
1 - passionate defense of the site
2 - will allegedly show up in Hanover next weekend
3 - bringing the term “foot job” to my attention
4 - he mentioned me in his comment which appeals to my vanity
February 12th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
Noah,
Do you remember what girls used to call your penis? “Rice-a-Roni”
February 13th, 2007 at 1:22 am
Noah,
I think that you have addressed an important issue with your above statement concerning the inclusion of valuable members of our friendship circle. However, your post script comments about my lifestyle will not slide by without some clarification.
First, you mentioned that I “haven’t left the state in years.” While it might be true that certain academic requirements have forced me to orbit around or within the realm of the granite state, your accusation is a bit of a dramatization. During the few breaks away from the rigors of my coursework, I have in fact, managed to travel to some wonderful locations. For example, in a few short weeks I’ll be flying out West to soak up some sun on the slopes, enjoy the Park City nightlife, and have Mairk wax my moustache. Also, if by “leaving the state” means living in your apartment, I’ll stay put right here.
Secondly, you mentioned that I put braces on dead mice. Unfortunately, you are wrong about this as well. My research requires me to put braces on live mice and remove them while isolating the maxilla after the have been “sacrificed” for the purpose of scientific advancement. While my role in this project may be minimal and my experience limited, it would be foolish to misinterpret the value of the opportunity. Who knows, perhaps when I stop putting braces on mice and start putting them on humans, I’ll do all of us a favor and close that ever expanding gap between your two front teeth.
I hope you are well.
Love,
Baker
February 13th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
With the pospect of spending yet another Valentine’s day spent jerking off/drinking/crying alone in my room I would like to propose that any member of our pathetic group who currently has a girlfriend should be indefinately suspended from paticipating in this wonderful website. On top of this, I feel that the site should be stickly NGA because I have no desire to share my thougts, dreams, and aspirations with anyone who has never experienced the unmatched sorrow of getting whiskeydick.Unlike us, girls have the luxury of never talking to or hanging out with their longtime friends after even the smallest disputes and, thus,do not have the right to have their opinions expressed on wishwewerentfriends.com. Who’s with me?!
February 13th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
I certainly agree with the latter point. Any talk of adding girls to the stock ticker, without getting into specifics, although everyone who knows me at all, and that I like to scratch my balls with someone ratting me out to Mr. Eberhardt, will have no problem figuring out who I’m talking about, and that I like comma splices, infuriates me.
As for guys with girlfriends, I’ll keep quiet most of the time, and certainly about that issue.
February 15th, 2007 at 2:04 am
For the purposes of convenience and clarity I will refer to myself by this nickname which I have never actually condoned or promoted, but you all know that I do have a real first name and it’s…uh…fuck that salvia really did fuck me up badly.
Anyway since I’ve just been alerted to the existence of this site in a time retarded fashion by our friend Corporal Sterling, being (happily) separated from every single one of you at the moment by several thousand miles of heaving ocean, I jump at the chance to rectify the position of SKSK stock, which in no way accurately reflects market realities.
Yes, I did lose $175 in a scam after being in Bangkok for one week and a half, but honestly these guys put a lot of thought into the beautiful orchestration of the hustle, and they played on my kindness to lure me into it. What did not happen was me getting dusted by a confessed hustler who I then asked for a fake ID and who left me in a closet on an upper floor of a 42nd street pimptel with instructions to give a secret knock on the door of some random criminal who probably would have killed me and sold my organs to Baker’s dental school if I hadn’t finally had the good sense to get the fuck out of dodge.
On the final point, yes I did stay with Will Gray for a month in ‘Nam because he’s my fucking friend. And while I know that you guys will probably lower my stock for such a statement, perhaps SKSK might seem more attractive to you when you discover that while in Vietnam I fucked one of the lawyers from Will’s office, a beautiful 37 year old French woman, for two weeks. And since being in Asia I’ve also fucked a 25 year old Thai girl who was a student in my practice English course. So fuck you all and buy my stock.
-Sean
February 15th, 2007 at 9:12 am
I’d buy some SK right now. Thailand over New York? Yes please! Deciding whether to go home and black out this weekend or stay in New York and do the same here? Terrible decision. Either way I’ve got a combination of Gabe with Tim and his girlfriend or Noah, Saul, Sutton and Mr. and Mrs. Pappas. (Along with Captain Canoe Club and whoever else still live in their parents refrigerator).
I’m fucked. Give me a 37 year old (and by 37 I mean 17)
February 15th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Sk aren’t you supposed to not patronize with your students.
February 16th, 2007 at 12:23 am
whats the worst part of finding a dead baby on the beach? Hiding your erection. Nuff said. If I buy 51% of odonnell, can i stuff him like an REI anarak? Please advise.
best regards,
Tommy Gun
February 16th, 2007 at 11:48 am
I’m going to start using the bandwidth behind the ask.com network to send out a couple hundred million emails every day promoting MIKE as the next big penny stock. It only has to go up about another 10000% before you could sell it and have a legit form of currency.
Who knows, maybe if several hundred thousand people buy in, I could buy a handful of Swedish fish with my earnings.
February 21st, 2007 at 2:16 pm
I’m Gay
February 21st, 2007 at 5:43 pm
No i’m not
February 21st, 2007 at 5:48 pm
I haven’t had sex in 2 years, four months, and seven days (and three hours and 42 minutes).
February 22nd, 2007 at 8:24 am
Thant pathetic Mike. You still have you parents credit card don’t you?
February 24th, 2007 at 4:07 am
When you run that through the formula for “I haven’t had sex in…” (similar to the formula for how many guys a woman has really slept with) it turns out that Mike actually hasn’t had sex in the last 14 and a half years.
February 24th, 2007 at 11:19 am
i just discovered this website while looking for some sex related material and i must say i am thouroughly impressed. this is the most motivation i have seen from any one i know since saul stopped selling drugs. as far as stock is concerned, i think that you have greatly over valued my pricing. granted, i am definitly in a sell sell sell position, but i think that you should take another look at my overall value as a cheap option. the various scandels that i have been linked to over this year(true or not) only increase my publicity, thus making many more cosumers aware of my availability. these traits are very valuable in a sleeper stock and although they may frighten many inexperianced traders away, a well seasoned market analist might see the potential for a cheap buy. with this being said, i request a cheaper price for my stock, if for nothing else than to buy it all my self and give it to some unsuspecting highschool female. aside from that, fuck you mike, saul your cool, and gerber should have his own full page spread to show the world how weird he really is.
February 25th, 2007 at 2:38 am
willy, you’re alive?
February 25th, 2007 at 8:39 pm
a gerber page? some dance footage? maybe some gerber recipies?
February 25th, 2007 at 11:30 pm
Great idea, Pete. He’s gotta come up with the content though, we’ll edit when needed, and make it look nice.
RECIPES are a great idea
February 26th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
yes sk, i am alive, sort of. im more surprised you are alive, and that you havent gotten bum raped with a pair of chopsticks by the rice mafia yet. email me at willykitz@hotmail.com. any way, it IS a great idea, the world needs to know about gerber. i think you are right about the recipes too vitter, may be some pick up lines and definitly a quote of the week. procured by one of his lowly roommates. they will have to provide the video and still footage, preferably taken unknowingly. some sort of counter too, like how many one hitter rips he takes in a day, or how many times he goes to the stop and shop in a week. holy shit it could be a whole search engine with just results based on gerbers wisdom.
February 26th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Amazing idea.
We want it all.
Send it to admin@wishwewerentfriends.com
May 28th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
herbal phentermine…
look at me. I love you google!…