Alex Wins Fat Contest: Bitter Rivalry Settled
Posted in Videos by Saul on February 28th, 2007, 7:40 pm
Last Saturday saw a thrilling, white-knuckled, down-to-the-wire contest between Alex and Tom as they sought to establish dominance in the only field that matters – fatness. Performing in front of a packed room, Alex and Tom’s thickly-matted hair and quivering folds of flesh had a near-hypnotic affect on the riveted spectators, who watched in rapt attention as the two pirouetted and spun before them. Only Pappas and Tyler ignored the action as they sat side-by-side in the living room, snoring peacefully together.
The contest was sparked by Noah’s commenting to Tom that he seemed to have gained a noticeable amount of weight recently. Tom – busy on the phone with EBA’s as he tried to order chicken sandwiches and cheesy fries – grew flustered as he tried to speak to two people at once, and could only agree with Noah wholeheartedly. The matter might have died there, had their words not been caught by the always-attentive Alex. Infuriated that he was being left out of a conversation about fat, he lost little time in confidently claiming the title for himself.
Suddenly, the Nelson residence, which had been gearing down for the night, found itself in the midst of an impromptu display that seemed a crude and sordid cross between the Westminster Dog Show and a Discovery Channel special on obesity. Both contestants displayed surprisingly agile movements as they eagerly tore their shirts off and slowly rotated, and the whole display, though far from classy, possessed of an odd sort of grace. Although the only real surprise was the incredible amount of hair that coated Tom’s pale white back-flesh, the four judges found the event somewhat difficult to score as they marked each contestant using a system of eight categories as well as a bonus of “Overall Sagginess.”
The contestants responded to the pressure of the moment well, although quite differently. Alex is an old pro at this sort of competition, and paced casually about the kitchen in between viewing sessions, his shirt nowhere to be seen. Tom – perhaps feeling unsure of a win – retired to the refrigerator during intermissions, where he could be seen stuffing bologna and ice cream down his maw in a last-ditch attempt to bulk up his greedy gut.
Sadly, though, these efforts were to no avail, and Alex emerged the winner by a comfortable margin as he predicted he would. We give full credit to Tom for a spectacular debut and a terrific first attempt, and in future years I believe he has a decent chance at plucking this lardy crown from Alex’s flabby jowls. 
February 28th, 2007 at 9:39 pm
I look so fat in that picture! As the judges noted during the contest (but Saul omitted in the post) I have a nice arch in my back which puts my fat way out in the open. I assure you my fat is sturdy and firm, and makes a nice pillow to sleep against.
Ask Red Head Jen for God’s sake!
Great post!
February 28th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Would it be weird if I just pleasured myself to their fatness video?
February 28th, 2007 at 9:46 pm
first of all my name is max you moron, and yes it does make a delightfull pillow.
February 28th, 2007 at 11:50 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAIRK!
We all know if you had been at the fat contest things would have been diffferent.
March 1st, 2007 at 5:29 pm
that’s hot guys
March 1st, 2007 at 8:40 pm
God you guys don’t even have a fold over your pants, and you call that a fat contest. I must say Tom you have done a fantastic job at covering up the fact that you ever played college sports, two years ago.
March 2nd, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Man this whole website thing is questionable. Glad my fat tummy is now included in the world wide web. What an addition. Congratulations Aldo
March 2nd, 2007 at 2:23 pm
Tom, don’t be so scared. What’s going to happen? You’re not going to become President now?
Thanks for the congrats, you were a worthy opponent.
And I can’t believe stuffing your face with bologna during the contest didn’t tip the scales.
March 2nd, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Alex, I only meant that you guys are gay, not that I’m terrified of being on the website. That’s the point right? I’m supposed to wish we weren’t friends. And boy do I. I know you do.
PS. I think Gabe really might have pleasured himself to our video. Oh well, it’s 2007.
March 2nd, 2007 at 4:21 pm
Allow me to also clarify that I do find the site rather remarkable. That is to say, I am not trying to get down on it.
And as another side note, I did get to see Saul’s moustache up close at the Canoe Club last night. It was a heartwarming site. Too bad I work for the Yankees and can’t grow any facial hair. My back makes up for it I’d like to think.
March 2nd, 2007 at 5:36 pm
A pity you’re not still at Subway… if you had grown a moustache while there they would probably have offered you a raise.
March 14th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Hey fatboys!!!!!!!!You guys would seriously pull down here in Central America…..All you have to be is fat and American….Thats what it seems like in all the dive bars anyways……..Oh and gabe you are so fucking weird.
March 15th, 2007 at 12:26 am
I love you, Dan Finer.
June 12th, 2007 at 12:08 am
[…] “Tom – busy on the phone with EBA’s as he tried to order chicken sandwiches and cheesy fries – grew flustered as he tried to speak to two people at once, and could only agree with Noah wholeheartedly. The matter might have died there, had their words not been caught by the always-attentive Alex. Infuriated that he was being left out of a conversation about fat, he lost little time in confidently claiming the title for himself.” […]