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Like most single men, I spent Valentine’s Day asking myself some important questions.

Here are some of the choice stumpers, all 100% true.

Are three cans of red kidney beans enough in this chili I’m making?

Can people see me shoving these two or three fingers in my ass in the middle of the street to really get at that itch left over from not wiping well enough after lunch?

Do these people around my work area know I’ve been out of deodorant for the last three days?

How many times is “fill in girl who you first fell in love with” going to get passionately fucked by “fill in guy who stole her from you after she went to rehab” tonight?

Are my love handles growing or is this bathroom mirror the kind that makes everything wider?

(more…)

Mike, Max Study for Advanced Degree with Prof Bubblesworth

This little gem of a voicemail is proof that over in Boston, Mike and Max are, as usual, up late studying diligently under the one Professor they truly know and love. Complete with a tour de force cameo by Gerber, this beauty has it all. If you have ever heard anyone having as good a time as these three – and can prove it – I’ll buy you a round-trip first-class ticket to Oberlin, Ohio, where you can hang out with Tim on Friday through Sunday of each week.

(more…)

After caving to the intense pressure of the rabid WWWF fanbase, Wall Street Lelchuk has added five new stocks to his roster.

Click on his beautiful face for an update, and keep an eye on the ticker.

Welcome to the first edition of Googly Gabe’s giggly links of the week!

The first installment will focus on where our friends appear prominently across the World Wide Web (Click on everyone’s names to take a peek into their internet persona)!

ENJOY WEBSURFERS!

CHRIS: Our friend Chris is a prominent part of the Jets offense, starting fourteen games at tight end last year. He even had four touchdowns! Way to go, CHRIS!

NOAH: No joking around here. This article is actually by Noah. And it’s about women’s crew. Look closer and you’ll see that he even got credit for taking that picture. Noah, is that your girlfriend in the middle? Oh wait, she wouldn’t touch you with a 27-foot pole.

ALEX: Take a look at what our friend Alex is up to. Apparently he is an advocate of traditional French cuisine, and he’s even written a book! He also has this movie trailer.

ROB: A little internet investigation led me to track down our webmaster’s first attempt at a site. Not bad. But take a look at his picture. He looks to be pretty not not high.

TOM AND GABE: A little known fact is that these two former college roommates actually co-starred in an award-winning short film! Ok, it didn’t actually win any awards but it’s worth a gander. And while we’re on YouTube, you can check out when I get kicked in the head with a soccer ball.

SAUL: Here’s our friend Saul at his best: defending damage that he inflicted on his dorm. Way to stick it to the man!

DAVE: Mr. Slutton’s got a great MySpace page to view, including some disturbing pictures of young children.

MAX: This is incredible. Apparently this woman, Katherine, has her own personal shrine to Max. It even contains this quote: “Okay, yes, I am obsessed with him, I admit that.”

MAIRK: Five years at Northeastern and you don’t know about the spiritual center?! There’s more than religion there, Mairk.

VENTI: In case we all forgot, Brian had an inner ass disorder.

MIKE, PAPPAS, TIM, SMALLS, DRAPER, DICK, MAHLER, RORY, WILLY, SAMSON, GCRS, GERBER, NOAH’S TWO BROTHERS, RYAN VAN ZANDT AND KYLE MORIN: Sorry you didn’t grace the first links post (I’m sure Noah will send me an angry email), but here is a special link for all of you.

That’s all I got for now. If you have any more good links (not tubgirl.com), send them our way.

Dear Sirs,

This is Lift Foreman Mairk reporting from the State of Latter Day Saints and I have one thing to say about that. Polygamy is like a gun rack: I don’t own ahhhh gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack.

Of course I chose to come out during the worst winter in years. The last two weeks have been in the high forties, although today our savior managed to drop a foot at the top, and rain on me. Although I fear a drop in my stock price I will admit that I am not the head chair lift operator, I am what they title a Lift Foreman, a job I managed to acquire after just one week of being a liftee. This title simply means that I babysit Argentinians and Brazilians, tell them when to go on break, drive a badass truck, sometimes a snowmachine, and try not to launch little kids off of lifts (they go flying).

As some of you may know I am primed for Moustache March, the enclosed picture showcases what has been above my lip since the middle of October when one Brian Venti and myself lost a bet in a game of Darts. Needless to say I have received many a positive comment from the male gender, and many an awkward look/stare/glare/overall look of discomfort from the Female gender. The best being “wow, you still have your moustache” from Venti’s female roomate. Here’s to another month and a half.

I would invite you to come visit, then again I don’t care to see any of you or wake up at 6:00 in the morning and see you sleeping on my couch as I walk out the door to go work a job that requires absolutely no thought or skill.

I almost forgot, a couple of weeks ago I backed into a car with the company truck, I drove off as if nothing happened. Of course someone saw me, and I knew they saw, yet still I drove off with the Brazilians saying “no, you didn’t hit it, there’s no dent, lets
go.” Well there was a dent, so I had to go to the clinic and pee in a cup. The nurse who I handed my pee to was hot, and of course all I did was look at her and wonder. I suck at life.

-Wish We Weren’t Friends,

Mairk

After a long deliberation concerning the future well-being of his upper lip, Opeation Iraqi Freedom vet, Corporal Max Rifkin Sterling, 2nd Recon Batallion (Retired), has made the bold decision to join a new platoon—Team Moustache March! The announcement came as most might expect—Sterling left a blackout message on my phone at 4:31am while “taking a number 3” in the bathroom.

The message can be heard by conveniently clicking above. Who said we weren’t technologically savvy (we, of course, meaning Webmaster Rob)? So knock yourself out with Max’s wise words, and stay tuned in the coming days (or weeks or months) for a fancy new voicemail section on WishWeWerentFriends.com!

We all hate working. But sometimes you have to do it to keep up appearances, and get your parents to keep paying for your life.

Welcome to the place for between the blackouts.

THIS WEEK IN JOBS!
———-
Tim “Guevara” couldn’t go a day working without making at least one Scandinavian model drop her panties. That’s why he’s an ice sculptor. Yes that’s right: An Ice Sculptor.

What does he get for 18 short months of loyal service? Well the head sculptor position of course.

From ice mover, to luge craftsman to Buddha master, our Tim is now the top dog.

Now he can ride his motorcycle with his homemade cowboy boots while playing the mandolin and carving a penis-luge on his backseat.

NO HANDS!

Stock options! Bonuses! Less time on the phone with his girlfriend! (Yeah right.)

This job’s got it all!

It may be a sputtering biplane, but it’s better than the shit-filled oxcart the rest of us are riding in.

A few new things to discuss. As you can see, we have added advertising, and would love it if everyone would explore the products that our fine sponsors have to offer. So far, they include Harley Davidson Bikes, the new Season of LOST, and gay clubs.

Make sure to keep an eye on the sidebar to the right, as it will be home to a number of new developments, including Tom Selleck’s Moustache March Countdown, and, the jewel in the scepter that is this website, Wall Street Lelchuk’s Friend Stock Ticker. Click on him for a full report.

Otherwise, keep visiting and commenting. We appreciate having you here and hate every single one of you.

-Wish We Weren’t Friends

UPDATE: Comments have been enabled on the stock report. Feel free to bitch about how your stock wasn’t included in that location.

Updated February 13th, 2007

CSAW – Buy: $14.50 a share We all expected Rory to go directly from college to the upstairs level of his barn for the first couple of decades of the twenty-first century, so the fact that he is not only in another residence but another state counts for a lot right there. But what really sets him apart from the pack is that his job actually requires “intelligence” or at the very least “hard work. Incidentally, a memo just landed on my desk saying that goes hand-in-hand with “sobriety during the weekday.” I know, I didn’t believe it either. Regardless, Rory is on the fast – or at least slow – track towards the upper spheres of the thrilling, jetsetting lifestyle of the computer programmer. Just like his salary, this stock shouldn’t do anything but slowly, slowly, slowly rise. Look for that Subaru to turn into a Mercedes by the year 2040. (more…)

Dear Friends, Fellows, and Fuck-Fucks,

This letter is just a reminder to throw away your razors, or at least put them in the Things-I-Never-Use Box along with your condoms and other STD-prevention tools, common sense, and personal dignity. That’s right, one month from now we are happy to usher in our Third Annual Moustache March, and this year, we expect it to be better and more moustache-filled than ever before!

With dozens or perhaps dozens of thousands of participants expected, see the moustaches you love… and the moustaches you love to hate! From the frumpy stupid ones, to fuzzy girlish ones, to bristling awesome ones and even Majestic Handlebars and the Legendary Ends-Twirlers, Wish We Weren’t Friends will showcase them all.

Well, if you’re not convinced already, why not think about the fact that no girl will go within five feet of you if you have a moustache. Sound bad? It is. But then you should remember that no girl does anyway unless you’re at a crowded bar and she bumps into you by mistake. (And then you allow your hand to graze her ass while pretending to scratch your upper thigh and run off to tell your friends that you hooked up with her. And then admit you were lying, which they knew anyway, but claim that she at least let you buy her a drink, which they also don’t believe.)

Moustache March! This is the one single month out of the year when you have a fantastic excuse why you’re not getting ass. The other 11 months people just think you’re “hideously sketchy” or “wildly inept” or, in Mike’s case, “actually fucking retarded.”

Good Luck, Happy Growing, and, As Always,

-Wish We Weren’t Friends

Do Soul Patches Count?

When it comes to a moustache, are they Sturdy Sidekicks… or Arch-Nemesi?

Does having a handlebar make you more of a man?

Moustache Wax: The KY for your upper lip

How to train your moustache into obedience.

(And, for the corporate people)

How To Grow a Moustache Proudly and (maybe) Not Lose Your Job