If We Were Gay

Given our constant and obsessive preoccupation with homosexuality in all its forms, I decided to go ahead and jot down a few lines imagining what we would be like if we all woke up one morning to find ourselves gay. Would we be the same? Different? Less fat and narcissistic? Or would we be even pettier and bicker more than we already do? The possibilities are both endless and intriguing to people with as little going on in their lives as us. So – wriggle into your tightest pair of Diesel jeans, shake up a nice cold Appletini, and consider this post a kind of alternate universe, where everything is the same except for our sexual orientations. (And by alternate universe, I mean five years from now.)

Alex: Would become obsessed with a guy, pursue him until he broke up with his boyfriend, and then lose all interest. Would smoke weed, get really paranoid, and wonder if he was actually straight. Would shave his chest. Would get drunk and send dirty, dirty text messages to different guys. Would spend hours each day on the phone with Saul, complaining about guys.

Noah: The gang-bangs he is so fond of would have one extra guy (meaning 4) and one less girl (meaning 0). Would finally lose interest in Tiffany, since her curvy feminine body would hold about as much sexual appeal to him as a block of marble. Would tea-bag guys even more than he already does. 

Mike: Would be exactly the same – completely asexual. Might switch cigarette brands to some sort of Slims. Would giggle and ask Courtney to get a sex change or at least a strap-on.  

Baker: Would wear lots of bright spandex on his forty-mile bike trips. Would shave his entire body. Would keep going out with his girlfriend so he could ask her about fashion tips and get her opinion on the guys he brought back. Would put his dental career on hold and move to San Francisco, explaining to his dad that he had to ‘sow his wild oats’ while he was ‘young and shapely.’ 

Max: Would quit his job at the gym, move to New York, and work at a Chelsea sauna instead. When he cuddled with his pillow at night he would call it Long Dong Steve or Big Ted instead of Tracy. Would continue to have extended periods of bitter sexual frustration, interrupted by brief drunken flings with dudes who weighed far, far more than he did. Would break up with his imaginary girlfriend and begin dating an imaginary boyfriend instead, who would also have been a dance major in college. Might eventually become a ‘bear.’  

Smalls: Would pose for all those magazines that they put high up on the top shelves at truck stops. Would look at himself in the mirror and call himself a ‘huge faggot’ and then go out and chase cock all night. Would work out even more than he does now. 

Saul: Would wear black t-shirts even tighter than the ones he currently wears. Would wear the leather pants Gabe got him constantly, rather than just at costume parties and by himself at night. Would grow a permanent pencil-thin moustache. Would spend hours at a time on the phone with Alex complaining to him about guys. Would run for president of the Dartmouth LGBTQ society and try to make Speedos and tuxedo vests mandatory attire for all members. 

Draper: Would hit on every guy with a pulse.

Gerber: Would wear tight pants, sweater-vests, and pink button-down shirts all at the same time. Would cook dinners with less carbs. His tattoos would get racier. Would pierce tongue and nipples and listen to lots of R&B. Would still continue to dance a lot. 

Tom: Would give up joints and get really into poppers instead. Would quit Canoe Club and go to work as the pool boy at the Super 8. Might paint his car lime green or Strawberry or get really into interior design. Would develop a taste for ‘clubbing’ and as a result get over his phobia of any city bigger than Enfield, NH.  

Tyler: Would move into Pappas’s bedroom and turn the extra room into a Pilates studio. Would trim his goatee, retire the hat, and use lots of hair gel instead. Might even ‘frost his tips’ while he was at it. Would open Hanover’s first all-male discothèque on the island and name it the Man Lounge or perhaps The Cockpit. Would turn the party barge into the flagship of a gay cruise line.  

Pappas: See Tyler.

Tim: Would continue to date his girlfriend just to throw everyone off. Wait a second…

      
Gabe: Would have long relationships with attractive younger guys and then go into a tailspin when they left him for someone else. Would get even more cosmetic surgery. Would quit HBO, switch to Showtime, and pitch them the male version of the L-Word. Would continue to live with Tim. Would go to Thunder Down Under on his frequent Vegas outings and tell anyone who asked that he had been at Scores. Would get even more cosmetic surgery.  

Mitch: Would move back to Hanover, sit in his hot tub, and wave at everyone who drove past while sipping a Peach Bellini and smiling from ear to ear. Would tell Caroline he never actually enjoyed the sex. Might or might not shave his beard. Might possibly get a job as a cocktail waiter or steward on Tyler’s cruise line. Would wear really short cut-off jean shorts 12 months a year.  

SK: Would immediately buy a toupee. Would move to Asia and commence a series of sweaty, sordid affairs with every teenage boy he could get his hands on, provided they wanted to make a quick buck. With that kind of love life, why come back to America at all?

Sean: Sorry, some things just wouldn’t happen. Sean being gay is one of them.

Sutton: Would hook up with TONS of dudes. Would have even bigger muscles. Would go to tanning salons when the weather was too cloudy to lounge poolside on Rip Road. Would funnel more Stoli Vanilla than any guy in town. Would ice Mike whenever Mike called him a ‘homo,’ which would be constantly.  

Mairk: Would become a promiscuous little slut. Would turn his parent’s basement and big screen TV into a makeshift movie theater – the kind where you don’t just watch the movie, if you know what I mean. We’d probably all come over, not tell any of the girls that we used to be friends with, and think it was awesome that it was a sausage-fest. 

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 27th, 2007 at 9:53 am and is filed under Page 1 Gossip. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.