Domestic Life: The Return of SK - Balder and Better
Posted in This Week in Jobs!, SK by Admin on May 11th, 2008, 10:47 pm
Today is Saturday here in Sydney. It’s fall here, but the weather is sunny and pleasant. It’s late afternoon as I write this, which means that most of you are probably shuffling in from whatever dank drinking hole you went out to this Friday night, no doubt alone and unfulfilled. I, however, had already had sexual intercourse by the time you had left work earlier in the evening, when you were still under the happy delusion that you might actually pick up at the bar. You see, I have a girlfriend. In fact, I live with her. Let me tell you a little bit about my life, and how I got to this place.
As some of you may have heard, after leaving Thailand last year I made my way up to the Land of Morning Calm, more commonly known as Korea. It’s a land of history, intrigue, mountain temples and Communist northern enemies. It is also, as I came to realize, home to the most incredible population of fine-legged women in the world. I shit you not. While walking the streets, I frequently found myself grinding my teeth in aggressive lust, unable to comprehend the bounty of crazy sexiness walking past me every five seconds. I cannot overstate this point enough. I redubbed Korea the Land of Crazy Hotness and, along with my two Canadian cohorts, determinedly prowled the streets day and night, soaking in as much as my eyes and loins could handle. Now, if you’re gonna give me one of those "I dunno, Asians just don’t do it for me, you know?" lines, then you, my friend, are the one who does not know. Spend a couple months in Seoul. Your life will change.
The other interesting surprise I found is that Korea is the most degenerately drunken country on the planet. They drink a cheap swill called soju, which is about 40 proof and tastes like warm Karkov. It also costs about a dollar a bottle. Amble out into the streets on any given Tuesday night (or Wednesday, or any day), and you will see men in business suits falling down drunk, puking, and other various states of stupor that would put even Max to shame. If you’ve never seen a man in a nice suit sleeping on the floor of a subway station, it’s quite something.
Amid all this, I taught young schoolchildren each day, reaching heights of impatience that I didn’t know I was capable of reaching. Kids are great, as long as you don’t have to hang out with them for any longer than about 20 minutes. Thankfully, Kellem Teacher has retired from the classroom.
And yes, I did meet a fine young woman, and followed her here to Australia in late February. We live in a shitty little dump of an apartment, which costs almost $700 a month in this city. Each day, I wake up at 5:16 to walk my baby to the train station. I go back, feed the stray cat, sleep till about 7, get up, eat my toast and coffee, take the train to the city where I code documents in a law firm for eight hours and fifteen minutes, then go home, eat dinner, and am in bed by 9. There is no sex on weekdays. I have three button-up shirts that I got from Woolworths for $10 each, two ties, and one pair of pants. I wash my socks in the sink. And, as you can see, I have decided to mitigate my balding by shaving down to a millimeter. I have no male friends here in Sydney. I am a library member. This is my domestic life.
Well, that’s about all.
May 11th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Bravo, Sean, Bravo.
Entertaining, engaging and informative. It’s no secret how you got into Brown and Gabe didn’t.
Your baldness will keep the other receding hairlines going for weeks. And your chest hair continues to impress.
I’m a bit worried to see the extent of the racism that comes out about your special lady friend, but Mike is moving to South America in a week, so that should blunt some of it.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:41 am
I will establish a historical precedent when saying that, for the first time ever (various Tim-related bets against Gabe not included), I agree with Alex, and, even stranger, I’m not ashamed to say it. Bravo, SK. Bravo.
Don’t worry, though — I’m not getting carried away here. If you think my ex(-roommate) and I will be shaking hands on areas such as Palestine (worst mistake since Maginot Line) or The Departed (greatest film since Citizen Kane), you’re sadly mistaken.
This post will certainly cause some fluctuations in the stock market ticker that — for those few of you whose memories have escaped relatively unravaged from the effects of weed — people might remember I used to put out about 20 years ago.
While I’m on this subject, I’d also like to note another precedent — for the first time ever, we have a picture of a girl on our website!!! And even better, one not taken from a high-powered zooms lens from hundreds of yards away into a bedroom window! And after our technical division closely studied the picture in question, it appears she even knows she’s being photographed! We’ll be hearing some Andre corks popping tonight!
Now that this unlikelihood has been achieved, what’s the next groundbreaking headline in our petty little world? — Max Goes To Business School? Gabe Sells TV? Sutton Changes Mind, Hates Seinfeld?
May 12th, 2008 at 10:44 am
PS Thanks to SK’s post, we now have a giant banner ad for KoreanCupid.com across the top of our site. All yours, Max.
May 12th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
And thanks to my supersonic porn box I just snapped a picture of that Korean for our future post about what ads pop up on our site. John McCain and Jews beware.
Saul, I had to look up Maginot Line on “google” a new search engine that just started up out in San Francisco. Good reference.
I can’t believe it’s been over 12 hours since the post went up and no one said sideways vagina yet.
Oh whoops!
May 12th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
It almost looks like Mike is mocking the girl from Korean Cupid.
May 13th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Wow, a jew and a panface living in Sydney and taking jobs away from the white man. You two must be about as popular as a koala-raping aboriginie.
All kidding aside SK, I just want to let you know that we’re all rearry, rearry happy for you.
P.S. I wouldn’t take your lady friend swimming at Bondi beach anytime soon because I’ve heard that sharks have a penchant for Korean short-ribs.
May 13th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
pretty girl, i wonder what shes doing with that overweight, middle aged bald jewish man?
May 13th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
We were all wondering that, naturally, Max, but we finally figured it out. Answer will be in an upcoming post later this week.
May 13th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
sk; this is meant as a compliment, first, you look very svelt with your button down shirt tucked in and your girlfriend is way too hot for you, congrats old friend.
p.s. if you guys are ever bored you could teach her how to count money and make potato latkas and she could show you how to use an abbicus and do calculus.
May 14th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Max,
You should teach Sk’s lady friend English.
Hi SK glad you are doing well!
May 15th, 2008 at 3:30 am
thank you, thank you all. for the record, that is the wind blowing behind me on the boat, i’m actually not fat…yet
May 15th, 2008 at 3:35 am
also mike, i thought you were gonna email me for life advice about teaching ingles abroad - whats the matter, you don’t wanna get some tips from a real grown-up?
also, let me just throw this one out there - summer of ‘09, week in europe, somewhere weird, can anybody afford it?
May 15th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
http://www.necryogenic.com/become_a_donor/Donor%20Application05.pdf
I don’t think any of us qualify, especially Noah based on questions 15 and 16 on page 19.
May 17th, 2008 at 4:45 am
I just want to say that SK’s post was one of the best I’ve seen on this site. I guess I say this mostly out of my intense jealousy of him living in Australia and having a great time during his Asian/Pacific odyssey. To clarify that comment, I mean him the best over there, it’s just that living with my ginger hetero-life mate Max has left me somewhat bitter.
P.S. It’s rearry too rate to ‘porogize. And man does that One Repubric have some rungs!!!
May 17th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
thank you Tom, i appreciate that. i understand that your marriage to Max has grown weathered and brittle. might i suggest some sex role play? it has certainly brought things back to a boil in my relationship. suggestions: Tom as a restaurant manager, Max as a 25 year old college freshman. see what happens!
May 17th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
sorry if that was a bit harsh. Tom, let me tell you that the only thing stopping you from taking your own world adventure is converting money into a plane ticket. do it, my friend.
May 24th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
So how much does it cost for a twelve year old charlie face to be your sex slave for a year SK? DO you atually listen to the pleas to return her left by the parents on your voicemail or do you just erase them? I should have known what this whole little “trip” of yours was all about. You werent going to explore ancient cultures and educate children. You were just going to trick some pre-teen slant into being your girlfriend, then move her to Australia’s version of Los Angeles, and begin your burgeoning career as a sheister lawyer at Kellem, Finkel and Goldstein at Law…diabolical SK, my compliments.
I do wonder how you plan to sneak her out of the country and back home when the Australian State Department finally decides your bringing nothing to their table and should “git”. Maybe you could bring her back in some oversized box of pork fried rice? May want to start thiking about that.
P.S. Could you ask her to sneak me out a pair of Nike’s the next time she finishes her 16 hour shift at the factory. I’m a size 10.
May 24th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I apologize for that last post. The racism was a bit over the top there, and thats not me. Its plainly obvious I will have sex with anyone no matter their creed. I’m sorry. But seriously SK I would like those shoes. Let me know.
May 24th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
noah, i have just forwarded your comments to the Asian-American Society of Paramedics, a civil society group which holds quite a bit of union clout, which will soon be contacting you about your upcoming termination and permanent disbarment from the profession of lifesaving, dooming you to a life of either a) seasonal work driving a minivan taxi, or b) decrepid alcoholism, or c) some combination of the two. you will have no need of those nikes because you will, of course, be shoeless. good luck buddy.
May 27th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Some solid hatred on this site boys. I’m gonna add to it by saying that SK is still a fag.
May 30th, 2008 at 2:22 am
The following comment might make little or no sense at all, but here goes… Personally, I actually like Noah Farr. There, I said it. I like him because I look back at the great times we had sneaking out of his house in our early years of high school. Beyond that, I won’t elaborate.
That being said, I have two points to make here. First Noah, we all know that you wear a size 7 on your best days, even after wolfing down a whole supply of “extenze” penis pills. Second, I actually find Noah’s comments regarding Sean’s woman friend to be quite inappropriate.
It is not okay to relentlessly make fun of a woman we do not know anything about (other than the apparent fact she likes bald nerds) for her ethnic background. I for one will bet everything I have ($5) that she has never been in a sweatshop, and will never want to meet any of SK’s ‘friends’ in the good old U.S. of A. I apologize for my comments switching ‘l’s’ for ‘r’s’. Although I did find it rearry funny at the time.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I find arr of you rearry, rearry funny. Especially Noah. And Tom.
May 30th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
samson, i accept your locker room insult with humor and self-deprecation - you damn hippie bastard. tom, thank you for bringing this conversation back to the level at which it belongs, and for condemning the bigotry of our less-enlightened friends. i, for one, do not like noah, for several obvious reasons, number one of which is his refusal to admit that he is a full-fledged member of the balding club. hey guys, how about slovenia, summer break ‘09?
May 31st, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Where’s Mike?
June 8th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
sounds like fun sk, we’ll meet you there.