FAIR BUT FIRM

Looks to be a little too friendly for a lawyer-client relationship

When Saul heard that Mitch was heading down from Oregon on a quick California vacation to the Santa Rosa County Courthouse, and was looking for some pro bono legal representation in case things turned sour, he did what any normal friend would do: cancelled the day’s luncheons and meetings,* raced out to buy a grey three-piece suit and purple necktie, and woke up at 4:00 A.M. the next morning to research the California penal code before the big day.

                    

      Rubbing one out for good luck                             A quick spritz of Vidal Sasoon Mousse

Although able to document Mitch’s temporary transformation into an apparently upstanding citizen as he donned “business casual” attire and gave himself “a quick spritz” in the courthouse parking lot, Saul’s photojournalistic endeavors unfortunately came to a decisive end minutes later, when he was caught attempting to smuggle a digital camera through an x-ray machine and was momentarily barred from the courthouse as a result.

Once that little knot had been untangled, Saul rejoined his client in Courtroom 9 with no further trouble, and the morning proceeded uneventfully as the pair sat in the back of the courtroom, giggling about how much more fun they were having than the obese, handcuffed, wheelchair-bound woman who broke down into tears soon after being wheeled into court.

Their childish, carefree laughter unfortunately attracted the attention of a surly Hispanic prisoner, freshly delivered from the local prison system, whose very neck-tattoos seemed to quiver with dislike as he spied them from his “box” at the front of the courtroom. Although Mitch forgot to ask him the status on his steak and cheese, his glares still became so ferocious that they were noticed by a husky bailiff, who approached the chuckling pair and told them that any more “communication with the prisoners” could lead to their “immediate arrest.”

Strangely enough, the incident made Saul miss Mike for the first time in his life, as he wistfully thought about how Mike would have shot back a line such as, “Well, my grandfather was a Santa Rosa bailiff, and he says all the bailiffs around these days are faggots.”**

But by the time Docket #4: The People v. Mitchell B. was called, the confidence of the defense was again high, and Mitch faced Judge Stephanie with every intention of taking a page from Buck Baker’s book and “charming her goddamn robe off.”

Unfortunately, it didn’t take a lawyer of Saul’s formidable abilities to notice that the two didn’t seem to be hitting it off as expected, and Fair but Firm seemed to be drifting steadily towards the Firm side with every passing second. Why? We might never know. All that remains certain is that her scowl quickly grew as she caught sight of Mitch’s bushy black beard, lime-green shirt, and million-watt smile advancing towards her. Below are a few brief excerpts to illustrate the next few minutes.

JUDGE:                       What is your profession?

MITCH:                       I’m a mentor…***

JUDGE:                       So you’re telling me you work with children?

MITCH:                       Yeah.

JUDGE:                       What do you think your employers would say if they knew you had pending drug charges against you?

MITCH: (huge grin)   I don’t think they’d like it.

——————————

Judge Stephanie then went on to lecture Mitch for several minutes (with little to no visible effect) before asking him whether he preferred to receive a monetary fine or attend 20 NA meetings.

MITCH:                       I’ll go with the fine, yeah.

JUDGE:                       The fine?

MITCH:                       Yeah.

JUDGE:                       What are you saying? I can’t even understand you.

MITCH:                       Yeah.

JUDGE:                       Do you mean yes?

MITCH:                       Yeah.

JUDGE: (agitated)        Then say “yes.” Not “yeah,” but “yes.” Okay?

MITCH:                       Yes.

Although Saul was on the edge of his seat wondering whether to object to this exchange on the grounds of badgering the witness, Husky Bailiff shot him a warning look, and he restrained himself until joining his client outside the courtroom, where they agreed that it had probably been a good decision not to enter a Nolo Contrendre plea as originally planned. 

Aren’t oysters an aphrodesiac?

From there, it was a quick drive back to the first San Francisco oyster bar they could find, where they celebrated the greatest client-attorney pairing since OJ Simpson/Johnnie Cochran by sucking down oysters, crab cocktail with extra ‘Louie’ sauce, and a bottle of white wine faster than you can say not guilty.****

These are simply too good to leave out

Ms. January 2009

EDITORIAL CORRECTIONS

* Saul has actually been unemployed since August, and the last work-related meeting he has had was his Moustache March ’08 photoshoot with Mairk

** It was this line – with the words “Boston cop” substituted for “Santa Rosa bailiff” that led to Mike’s arrest in the winter of ’01

*** Technically untrue, as Mitch was laid off on New Year’s Day.

**** Mitch was actually found guilty

This entry was posted on Friday, January 23rd, 2009 at 11:38 am and is filed under Saul, Field Reporter, Mitch, Courtroom Drama. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.