NUMBER MUNCHERS!
Friday, February 6th, 2009
Time to donate, sleepyface.
As we are hopefully approaching the zenith of our fund drive, why not take a closer look at what got us here. And what better way to observe than looking at some hard data. We all like numbers, right? For example:
NUMBER OF TIMES NOAH HAS BEEN ARRESTED: 9
NUMBER OF OUR FRIENDS WHO ACTUALLY LIKE NOAH: 0
NUMBER OF TIMES MITCH HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM A PLANE FOR HIS PUNGENT ODOR: 1
NUMBER OF TIMES MITCH HAS BEEN LET BACK ON A PLANE AFTER BEING SPRAYED DOWN WITH DEODERIZER: 1
NUMBER OF MIKE’S SISTERS WHO HATE MIKE: 3
NUMBER OF CHILDREN BUCK BAKER WILL NAME BUCK: MORE THAN 1
NUMBER OF TIMES ALEX HAS MASTURBATED: 3,432,234,567
NUMBER OF TIMES ALEX HAS MASTURBATED INTO A DIRTY SOCK: 3,432,234,567
NUMBER OF TIMES A MINUTE TIM THINKS OF NUDE FEMALE BODYBUILDERS: 63
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT ALEX SCRATCHING HIS DINGLEBERRIED GRUNDLE, NOT WASHING HIS HANDS AND THEN MAKING AND SELLING MEAT PIES: THE ENTIRE BEND HEALTH DEPARTMENT
NUMBER OF AFRICAN-AMERICAN ATHLETES WHO RESEMBLE MAHLER: 3
Separated at birth?
But I digress. What we’re really here for is to analyze who has come to our site, and how the fuck they found us. These are all real stats found using our website tracker. To begin:
UNIQUE VISITORS TO WISHWEWERENTFRIENDS.COM: 14,239
Let’s not get carried away here, folks. This many people have not really been to our website. For example, I already know that SK not only logged in at 7:30am, but also at 7:55 from his parents house in New Jersey this morning between morning homoerotic crank sessions. This counts as two unique hits. Still, an impressive number nonetheless. That gives us an average of 21 visitors to the website per day, ranking us as the 112,432,389,997th most popular website on the interweb.
MOST VISITED DAY OF THE WEEK: MONDAY (16.98% of all visits)
MOST VISITED HOUR OF THE DAY: 2-3pm (7.01%)
There is really no rhyme or reason to either of these stats, because we rarely post on this site, so there is nothing special to check for on Monday, as opposed to Tuesday or Thursday. Also, most of us lack any sort of "job" so 2pm is not any more important than any other time. It’s not surprising that Saturday and Sunday are our least viewed days of the week, since most of our friends are usually binge drinking to blackout status with our other loser friends.
HIGHEST MONTH: MARCH (1,194)
I’m guessing there is a hirsute reason for this one. I will say that January was our biggest month since last March. Judging by our recent hits and fund drive, I think we’ll probably go public and be millionaires by about 2092.
MOST POPULAR COUNTRY: USA (12,864 visits)
4th MOST POPULAR COUNTRY: CHILE (150 visits) - Obviously Mike has very little to do, or he is trying to show his girlfriend how cool he is back in America. Oh wait.
5th MOST POPULAR COUNTRY: AUSTRALIA (133 visits) - SK
6th MOST POPULAR COUNTRY: SENEGAL (114 visits) - SK’s a loser.
7th MOST POPULAR COUNTRY: KOREA, REPUBLIC OF (101 visits) - This was about the time SK’s girlfriend realized she could find a far bigger penis on an Asian baby.
NOTABLE OTHER COUNTRIES WHO HAVE VISITED WISHWEWERENTFRIENDS.COM:
SWEDEN (13), NORWAY (9), FINLAND (8) - Scandinavian girls love ugly guys who are losers and talk shit about each other constantly.
IRAN (7) - The only representative from the Axis of Evil.
LAO PEOPLE’S DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC (1) - Obviously.
MAIRK! This photo has nothing to do with the post.
Now let’s get to some exciting stuff. The google "keywords" that brought outside visitors to our website. Some notable ones over the past few days that brought people here: "FUCKING SENIOR CITIZENS," "SEYMOUR BUTTS NAKED" and "SPEEDO HIS BUTTOCKS."
ASSORTED GOOGLE KEYWORDS:
GAY (65 visits)
HAIRY (23)
FAT, LELCHUK (BOTH 17)
MEN, YOUNG, TIM, SEX, PORNO (ALL 16)
BODY, PENIS, TRAINING (14)
COCK, BEARD (12)
MAHLER, LIP, DICKS, COLLA (8)
FUMANCHU, HOMOEROTIC, CARING, GOATEE, PAPPAS (7)
HIS, CUM, HANOVER (6)
HOMO, MASTURBATION, PATCHES (5)
SCROTUM (4)
KOREAN CUPID, HAVE, EJACULATED, SELLECKS (3)
FUCKING, LEBANON (3)
NUTSACK, REPUBRIC (1)
From all of these various way that internetters have found WWWF, it’s clear that this site has to continue. If you have not yet, please donate to keep the dream alive. But don’t give too much because Tim and Alex will certainly never tell us once we get past $250.
Love,
Gabe
P.S. And for anyone who would like to actually play Number Munchers: http://www.virtualapple.org/numbermunchersdisk.html Note: This might fuck up your computer as it did mine. Mike, watch out for the TROGGLES!
