Time to donate, sleepyface.

As we are hopefully approaching the zenith of our fund drive, why not take a closer look at what got us here. And what better way to observe than looking at some hard data. We all like numbers, right? For example:

NUMBER OF TIMES NOAH HAS BEEN ARRESTED: 9
NUMBER OF OUR FRIENDS WHO ACTUALLY LIKE NOAH: 0
NUMBER OF TIMES MITCH HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM A PLANE FOR HIS PUNGENT ODOR: 1
NUMBER OF TIMES MITCH HAS BEEN LET BACK ON A PLANE AFTER BEING SPRAYED DOWN  WITH DEODERIZER: 1
NUMBER OF MIKE’S SISTERS WHO HATE MIKE: 3
NUMBER OF CHILDREN BUCK BAKER WILL NAME BUCK: MORE THAN 1
NUMBER OF TIMES ALEX HAS MASTURBATED: 3,432,234,567
NUMBER OF TIMES ALEX HAS MASTURBATED INTO A DIRTY SOCK: 3,432,234,567
NUMBER OF TIMES A MINUTE TIM THINKS OF NUDE FEMALE BODYBUILDERS: 63
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT ALEX SCRATCHING HIS DINGLEBERRIED GRUNDLE, NOT WASHING HIS HANDS AND THEN MAKING AND SELLING MEAT PIES: THE ENTIRE BEND HEALTH DEPARTMENT
NUMBER OF AFRICAN-AMERICAN ATHLETES WHO RESEMBLE MAHLER: 3

 
Separated at birth?

But I digress. What we’re really here for is to analyze who has come to our site, and how the fuck they found us. These are all real stats found using our website tracker. To begin:

UNIQUE VISITORS TO WISHWEWERENTFRIENDS.COM: 14,239
Let’s not get carried away here, folks. This many people have not really been to our website. For example, I already know that SK not only logged in at 7:30am, but also at 7:55 from his parents house in New Jersey this morning between morning homoerotic crank sessions. This counts as two unique hits. Still, an impressive number nonetheless. That gives us an average of 21 visitors to the website per day, ranking us as the 112,432,389,997th most popular website on the interweb.

MOST VISITED DAY OF THE WEEK: MONDAY (16.98% of all visits)
MOST VISITED HOUR OF THE DAY: 2-3pm (7.01%)
There is really no rhyme or reason to either of these stats, because we rarely post on this site, so there is nothing special to check for on Monday, as opposed to Tuesday or Thursday. Also, most of us lack any sort of "job" so 2pm is not any more important than any other time. It’s not surprising that Saturday and Sunday are our least viewed days of the week, since most of our friends are usually binge drinking to blackout status with our other loser friends.

HIGHEST MONTH: MARCH (1,194)
I’m guessing there is a hirsute reason for this one. I will say that January was our biggest month since last March. Judging by our recent hits and fund drive, I think we’ll probably go public and be millionaires by about 2092.

MOST POPULAR COUNTRY: USA (12,864 visits)
4th MOST POPULAR COUNTRY: CHILE (150 visits) - Obviously Mike has very little to do, or he is trying to show his girlfriend how cool he is back in America. Oh wait.
5th MOST POPULAR COUNTRY: AUSTRALIA (133 visits) - SK
6th MOST POPULAR COUNTRY: SENEGAL (114 visits) - SK’s a loser.
7th MOST POPULAR COUNTRY: KOREA, REPUBLIC OF (101 visits) - This was about the time SK’s girlfriend realized she could find a far bigger penis on an Asian baby.
NOTABLE OTHER COUNTRIES WHO HAVE VISITED WISHWEWERENTFRIENDS.COM:
SWEDEN (13), NORWAY (9), FINLAND (8)  - Scandinavian girls love ugly guys who are losers and talk shit about each other constantly.
IRAN (7) - The only representative from the Axis of Evil.
LAO PEOPLE’S DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC (1) - Obviously.

MAIRK! This photo has nothing to do with the post.

Now let’s get to some exciting stuff. The google "keywords" that brought outside visitors to our website. Some notable ones over the past few days that brought people here: "FUCKING SENIOR CITIZENS," "SEYMOUR BUTTS NAKED" and "SPEEDO HIS BUTTOCKS."

ASSORTED GOOGLE KEYWORDS:
GAY (65 visits)
HAIRY (23)
FAT, LELCHUK (BOTH 17)
MEN, YOUNG, TIM, SEX, PORNO (ALL 16)
BODY, PENIS, TRAINING (14)
COCK, BEARD (12)
MAHLER, LIP, DICKS, COLLA (8)
FUMANCHU, HOMOEROTIC, CARING, GOATEE, PAPPAS (7)
HIS, CUM, HANOVER (6)
HOMO, MASTURBATION, PATCHES (5)
SCROTUM (4)
KOREAN CUPID, HAVE, EJACULATED, SELLECKS (3)
FUCKING, LEBANON (3)
NUTSACK, REPUBRIC (1)

From all of these various way that internetters have found WWWF, it’s clear that this site has to continue. If you have not yet, please donate to keep the dream alive. But don’t give too much because Tim and Alex will certainly never tell us once we get past $250.

Love,
Gabe

P.S. And for anyone who would like to actually play Number Munchers: http://www.virtualapple.org/numbermunchersdisk.html   Note: This might fuck up your computer as it did mine.  Mike, watch out for the TROGGLES!

Just when we though this website couldn’t get any better - Alexis circulates old photos of Gabe’s drunken face-smash that cost his family two cars and a summer home. This has nothing to do with anything other than it will create a legion of anti-Gabe commentary, therefore making the group’s collective satisfaction skyrocket.

UPDATE: In the interest of science, we have added a poll to the bottom of this post.. Continue to discuss your selection in the comments section, but also log your official vote below. If this is your first time seeing this post, make sure to examine all the facts before voting. Or just vote for Noah. Either way.

ALEX: He took Noah last night…
MAX: Oh God
ALEX: And he’s taking Mike tonight.
MAX: UGH! Even Worse!

"What a joke!" Baker yelled in the early hours of last Sunday morning, "he didn’t even think about inviting me."

"I bet Mike and Gabe are rolling around under their seats in peanut shells sixty-nining." Tim exclaimed after Pedroia hit the clinching homer.

So who pisses you off more with his anointment as Gabe’s chosen one at Red Sox Bonanza 2007? Mike, with his yellow teeth, dirty clothes and stupid giggle? Or Noah, with his relentless arguments,  giant forehead and blatant public homophobia?

I HEARD that Noah managed to buy six beers at the bar a mere 10 minutes before Game Six started, charging all of it to Gabe’s credit card and forcing them to chug and run to make the  first pitch. Typical. When Gabe called me I heard the predicable crow of his ‘Scoma Caw in the background telling me "how cool I was for staying home and not going to the game." He spent the entire game trying to bum dips from the guys next to them, and after the big win celebrated by raw-dogging a member of the BU Equestrian team. Classy.

I know less of the Mike performance, only hearing that he was as nervous during the game as I was during my colonic. Gabe taking Mike to Game Seven is like Gabe taking his retarded older brother who used to buy us beer in high school but still isn’t sanctioned by the state to drive a car and even at 25 can’t be left home alone for the weekend.

It was just the right thing to do.

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

    Mike in remnants of a three-piece suit, Alex in drag, and Gabe acting “French.” Pretty standard really. Please enjoy this pathetic, embarrassing episode from our pre-pubescent period. At least mine.  Pay attention to Mike’s skinny face, Gabe’s ability to hide his birthmark even before plastic surgery, and Alex’s urge to become a tranny.

And to think we were sober!

What’s funnier than that is how low this website has stooped: to the level of middle school language video projects. Bad ones. Come on, kids, get a grip.

Remember this?

“Did we let the fact that we were a group of overweight, undersexed 20- something creeps in an underage Wentworth party stop us from having a good time?”

And this?

“Tom – busy on the phone with EBA’s as he tried to order chicken sandwiches and cheesy fries – grew flustered as he tried to speak to two people at once, and could only agree with Noah wholeheartedly. The matter might have died there, had their words not been caught by the always-attentive Alex. Infuriated that he was being left out of a conversation about fat, he lost little time in confidently claiming the title for himself.”

Let’s pull it together like the Souheagan Girls Soccer team and make this thing work. Life support is a bad place to be, but it’s better than being on the same couch as Mike in a ratshit apartment in Boston.
   

mous·tache [muhs-tach, muh-stash]

1. the hair growing on the upper lip
2. such hair on men, allowed to grow without shaving, and often trimmed in any of various shapes.
3. hairs or bristles growing near the mouth of an animal.

Lack of mous·tache [lak of muhs-tach, lak of muh-stash]

1. possessing a vagina
2. A huge pussy
3. sadly, Gabe (me)

Standing naked in front of the mirror, post-shower, can be a vulnerable and humbling experience.  Usually I check out a potentially expanding love-handle, or a sprout/many sprouts of hair appearing in places where they just should not be. But today was different. Today, I stared not at my bare torso, but instead at my naked and uncovered upper-lip.
 
You see, I pussed out. I’m in the doghouse. When growing moustaches was the coolest thing since sliced bread, I was a giant uncut loaf. 

Back in February it was all “moustache this” or “moustache that” or “hey, I can’t wait until I have my MOUSTACHE.” Now, in March, it’s all “hey, nice moustache” or “check out my sick moustache” or “my name’s Tim and my name’s Alex and we are going to make a movie about our moustaches to country music” or “that hot girl at worked really liked my moustache even though I have no chance of hooking up with her. Still, she really liked my moustache.” Call me selfish, but bare-lipped Gabe can’t help but feel a little left out.

Ok, I know what’s coming: a multitude of comments from people like Noah telling me how much of a pussy I am. (Don’t worry, Noah, I’ve saved all of your homophobic comments on WWWF in a dossier and will present them to your next employer. And to your parents, Scott and Laurie: (603) 643-6493). 

So what’s the solution, you may ask?  The only logical move is to do the one thing any good Jew would do: paint a Hitler moustache on my upper lip and post it on our website for gazillions of people to see! (When I say gazillons of people, I mean a google plex minus a google plex +12).

If you, like me, are not man enough to have a non-digital moustache, please send your nude-lipped photo to admin@wishwewerentfriends.com. If you’re lucky, you might get a special moustache painted on as well! Hurry up!!