Wall Street Saul’s Friend Stock Report: March 26th, 2007

---

Updated March 26th, 2007

DICK – Sell: $7.00 a share This is the Edward Norton of the stock market. You know it went wrong somehow, you just don’t quite know where. Wait a second. This is Wall Street, not Hollywood. I know exactly what popped this bubble, and the date is March 1st to be exact. With the sturdy goatee/moustache combo that has nestled over much of his face since about 1998, DICK was an easy pick to make some structural changes with a razor and pop out of his Norwich residence sporting a brand-new moustache come the 1st. Yet somehow, weeks later, he’s got the same boring jaw-jacket he always did. No excuses on this one. When your employer happens to be your father, “But my job wouldn’t let me” is about the lamest excuse since Hitler invaded Poland for being “too aggressive.”

---

PAPS – Buy: $9.41 a share This stock is holding exactly even. Since nothing at all has happened to affect it in any way, shape, or form, I have no changes to report.
break
break
break
break
break
break
PAPS Stock Archive

---

NOAH – Buy: $6.50 a share I had not intended to report on this for a week or three due to some regrettable unpleasantries between its CEO and myself. It drops, I get accused of a bias. It goes up, I lose all credibility. But thanks to recent events I felt I had to warn prospective buyers not to get to close. The hunter became the hunted, the victimizer the victim, and to anyone who says that there is no justice in the world this proves them flat-out wrong. Noah has now become the only person in the world (with the possible probable absolutely definite exception of Courtney) to have a naked Mike straddle his face and press his genitals against the indifferent tools usually reserved for vision. On top of this dreadful punishment, the lack of pictures and guarded secrecy surrounding his alleged moustache haven’t been seen since the birth of Suri Cruise last winter. This stock is, however, a buy – things can’t go anywhere but up. 

NOAH Stock Archive

---

TIMC – Sell: $8.94 a share I know, I had marked this as a strong ‘buy,’ and anyone who took my words to heart is now presumably readying themselves to jump out a tall building sans parachute. Somehow, in a few short weeks this stock lost more weight than the Subway Challenge guy. Without getting into the ugly details, ignoring all aspects of actual life except those directly connected to carnal passion is a surefire way to lose value. And I’m not just saying that because I have about as much carnal passion in my life as a tin can. If that isn’t enough, this guy turns up in the tabloids more than Paris Hilton. The only thing that saved this from really plummeting was the admittedly Grade-A moustache proudly stamped onto the front-and-center logo of this corporation. 

TIMC Stock Archive

---

GCRS – $0.00

It is with regret that I write that GCRS is bankrupt and will no longer be appearing on this ticker. I do not like to cave to popular demand, but people just weren’t buying, and the outcry over this controversial little number slowed trading on the floor by 8% overall. I wish GCRS good luck and recommend he try to find some private equity and rebuild, but taking this company public was just not the right thing to do. I apologize to anyone who bought in and is now holding a bunch of stock certificates worth about as much as the deutschmark circa 1945.

GCRS Stock Archive

---

SMLS – Sell: $9.70 a share

Everyone likes a good time – this guy just takes that adage a bit further than most. And so, just as talk was finally dying down about his performance at the infamous Diaper Party of 2004, he turns up in drag to soil not just his pants, but this time America’s formerly-proud Midwest as well. Don’t get me wrong – I fully support wearing other people’s clothes the same way I condone drinking other people’s alcohol or sleeping with other people’s girlfriends. Property has nothing to do with this, only common human decency. And yet when looking at the curve of his back and the thrust of his buttocks into the air, I found myself suddenly wondering whether this stock, after 24 years, had finally dressed itself as God and nature originally intended.

---

MIKE – Buy: $.0004 a share

Although price changes aren’t apparent, take a close look and you’ll see that this stock is on the move up and is now worth four one-hundredths of a penny per share. I try to avoid wild bright-eyed optimism, but to be honest at the rate this decimal is creeping left this stock could hit green by November 2010. We always like a good David & Goliath story, and with his courageous teabagging of Noah, the Comeback Kid struck a blow for justice and equality that was heard ‘round the globe from Park City to South Korea. Even stranger, rumors of “ten-mile runs” with Marine Max have also surfaced, although for these to be held credible I’ll need more verifying documents than a ten-man Saudi family immigrating to Washington DC to attend a seminar in explosives.

MIKE Stock Archive

---

GABE – Buy: $17.40 a share

I have to say that there is no good reason why this stock shouldn’t be scooped up quicker than a stray dime bag at Hampshire College. True, fingers could be pointed to the banter exchanged on the comment sections of this site – comments that apparently indicate a weak, frail, and very sexually confused man. But this analyst prides himself on looking beyond the cheap and tawdry gossip of society for his picks. After beating out various meatheads to place second in a St. Patrick’s Day New York Beirut tournament, GABE has gone on to advance to the upper levels of several other sports pools as well. By winning money in the best way possible – namely, not deserving it and not breaking a sweat to get it – he has proved himself a worthy financial investment. More importantly, history shows that spring is the time this stock really starts to shine after a tough winter, and if the moustache on my face is not mistaken then it is indeed that time of year. Like elevators when you push the ‘Up” button, this stock shouldn’t do anything but rise.

GABE Stock Archive

---

MAXS – Sell: $7.99 a share

I’ll give you this one straight. MAXS is employed and has not only a residence but a working liver – all things that I did not necessarily foresee him possessing this late into the game. He is even having steady sexual intercourse, provided you define “steady” as “once” and “intercourse” as “making out with a forty-five year old woman while drunk at a bar and then having her refuse to sleep with him.” So in retrospect I guess that’s not really intercourse at all. But those are about the only things that are buoying up this sinking ship. Shaving your moustache mid-month is unacceptable, and I personally find it reprehensible to do so for any reason whatsoever. MAXS is cool as a cucumber about the fact that there are pictures on MySpace with the most nefarious parts of Noah planted firmly onto his face, and yet he refuses to be seen on WWWF with the dashing hairy signifier that separates men from children? The logic just doesn’t add up. With a CEO acting that crazy, you might as well invest your money in a pyramid scheme.*

*Email tim@wishwewerentfriends if wishing to invest in such a scheme. All checks should be made payable to WishWeWerentFriends.

MAXS Stock Archive

---